Confession-'Sometimes I'm Tempted to Stockpile Nuclear Materials'

In all honesty, feel I need to get something off my chest, a secret I've been holding onto for a long time.

I'm sometimes tempted to stockpile nuclear materials.

I know this may be shocking to some. I apologize that I haven't come out with this sooner. But I feel like it's better late than never, and to me, a secret is just like a cancer, it just eats and eats away at you until there is nothing left but shell of your former self.

It does feel good to get this out there, though. I'm releasing a huge burden.

I would like you to know my reasons. They are not offered as justification, but at least I hope you will understand me a little better.

1. Sometimes I get lonely, and I don't have anyone to eat dinner with. When I feel like this, in the back of my mind, I know that if I had a significant stockpile of nuclear materials, a nuclear testing program initiated or actual functioning weapons ready to launch, that the President would want to meet with me and persuade me to disarm. Of course I'd be happy to comply, as long as we could go to an Italian restaurant. Buca di Beppo's is my favorite, but I could possibly be open to others.

2. We have a lot of traffic in Austin, TX where I live. There are a lot of bad drivers and rude drivers. So sometimes, I think what better way to encourage peace and goodwill than to have a nuclear warhead on the top of my Jeep.

Now there would have to be some rules about this, mainly that I would be the only one allowed to have nuclear weapons. I would be, what you call the Police of Traffic, or based on something I heard recently, I could be 'The Decider'.

3. One Saturday morning, a few months back, I guess it was about 7:30 AM, someone in the apartment complex directly across the street from me thought it would be a good idea to run his home stereo system through a PA system, and to mount the speaker on the window facing out for all to hear.

In a sense, it was pretty impressive, because this guy, in his apartment, has enough PA equipment for a 10,000 plus attendee concert. And it was a great sound! I would pay good money for him to put on a show.

On the other hand, it was 7:30 AM on a Saturday morning. I know I didn't have to designate 'AM' and 'morning' in the same sentence, but I'm just saying.

Really, it worked out fine. I called 911, and then I decided to go over to my studio in Central Austin to continue my rest, and just as I was driving out the police showed up.

But I often think how much easier it would have been for me and the Austin Police Department if I had simply had a nuclear missle at my disposal. I could have reduced the workload on our police department for less trivial matters, and, after the initial launching and impact of said missle, I could have returned back to sleep promptly, all the while ensuring peaceful sleep for future generations of Americans, and myself.

3. Gas continues to hover around $3.00/gallon. And it's very inconvenient to have to keep going to the gas station all the time to fill up with gas.

My solution is to build a nuclear reactor. If I were to do this I would promise to build trees around the reactor. That seems to make people feel good. I don't know if trees advocate nuclear power but nuclear power plant companies seem to like to advocate for trees at their plants.

And with the depleted uranium, I could sell that back to the military so they could use that for whatever they use that for....

However attractive these ideas seem, I do know that really, it's probably for the best that I do not pursue these options, and in retrospect, it's really pretty selfish and self-centered to even consider them.